You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The Olympian is in my bed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
