I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
