hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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