everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I had to cum in my sink.
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