Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
