News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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