My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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