The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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