Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
All the doctor said was why
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
