Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
