If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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