I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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