The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i think my cat just said my name.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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