I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can't turn off my feet"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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