it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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