I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
