i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
