I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
