just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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