Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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