he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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