remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
