We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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