happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
