I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
