is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
