The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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