Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
