i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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