I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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