Moan for me like Helen Keller
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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