Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
