can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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