If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
