we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
