Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
