I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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