Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
