Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
