I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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