Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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