Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
