GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
