i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
