I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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