The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
