Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
