how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
