life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she pinky promised me she was 18
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
