Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
