I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
